5 The slow and painful death of Star Wars

    When Star Wars came out in 1977 it shattered box office records, irrevocably altered the industry, and gave generations of nerds something to do while everyone else in high school was getting laid. George Lucas instantly received visionary genius status. While the second and third installments of the trilogy only further cemented his claim.

    Fast forward to 1999 and the expected release of Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace. Fanboy's all around the world had been collectively shitting their pants in excitement for weeks. Lucas was finally back after twenty-two years, at the helm of the greatest franchise ever. Then everyone saw the film and... it wasn't that great. Episode II turned out even worse. And finally, Episode III: Revenge of the Sith was single-handedly ruined by one man's performance (more on that later).

    So the question is, how did this happen? How could the prequel trilogy utterly fail to meet expectations? The answer's simple. George Lucas is a good director. But he's not a great writer nor is he a great judge of acting talent. People seem to forget Lucas only wrote Episode IV of the original trilogy. Episode V: Return of the Jedi (considered the best) was written by Leigh Brackett and Lawrence Kasdan. It was also directed by Irvin Kershner. Episode VI (my favorite) was written by Lawrence Kasdan and directed by Richard Marquand.

     Thus, clearly the success of the original trilogy hinged on a combination of Lucas's unique vision and solid writing (from outside sources). Too bad he remains completely unaware of this fact. Which is why he decided to write and direct Episodes I-III all by himself. The result? Fans were treated to a host of terrible dialogue sequences and uninteresting characters. Not to mention one especially retarded character:

    Even worse, Lucas made the most egregious casting mistake in history by hiring Hayden Christensen to play young Anakin Skywalker. Just think about this for a second. The man who went on to star in Jumper was chosen to portray one of the most iconic characters in film history. Was Lucas black-out drunk during auditions? Was he even there at all? We may never know. But we do know Christensen proceeded to butcher the role completely. Portraying the most feared being in the universe, Hayden decided to act like an eight-year old throwing a tantrum in Toys R Us during every scene. It was a stunning embarrassment. His performance was universally bashed by critics as thousands of fanboy's lit themselves on fire in protest.

   Alright, I made that last part up but they were definitely pissed off. As for the saga, we may very well have seen the last of Star Wars. Which is sad considering how poorly the newest trilogy turned out. If Lucas ever decides to make another, I pray to god he leaves elements such as writing and casting in more capable hands. Only then might we be treated to another masterpiece. Or three more if we're lucky.