4 Sarah Jessica Parker mistaken for an actual horse

   A stunning case of mistaken identity has led to the suspension of one New York City police officer and left the department facing possible lawsuit. Officer Ryan O'Neill, an eight-year veteran of the force, spotted what he believed to be a horse running loose through Central Park late Sunday afternoon. O'Neill tried to subdue the animal as it galloped past, eventually tackling it to the ground. Only then did he realize the animal was actually renowned actress Sarah Jessica Parker.

   O'Neill offered a public apology early Monday morning, stating "I am truly sorry for whatever physical or emotional pain I have caused Mrs. Parker. She is truly a wonderful woman and role model for thousands." He went on to say he was personally a huge fan of the actress and really wished he "hadn't thought she was a horse." Representatives for the police department have confirmed the officer is facing indefinite suspension.

    A spokesperson for Mrs. Parker called the situation "detestable" and "wholly unforgivable." No mention of possible legal action was given. Yet her husband, Matthew Broderick had even stronger words on the matter. Lashing out at the media, he claimed to be "sick and tired of people saying [his] wife looks like a horse. She's a beautiful, talented woman who deserves our respect." Multiple witness confirmed seeing Mrs. Parker eating from a trough several hours later.

12 A record breaking weekend!

   Michael Bay's reported involvement in the newest live action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movie has internet communities in uproar. Set to produce the film for Paramount Pictures, many fear Bay's unique style is an ill-suited match for the project. In fact, opposition has reached recording breaking levels. On May 30th, internet commentators shattered the record for most exclamatory "NOOOOOOOO!" posting remarks in history. The previous record was established following news of Shia Labeouf's involvement in the latest Indiana Jones film. However, nothing could compete with this new outpouring of despair directed towards the polarizing filmmaker. A total of 3,542,007 commentators posted the phrase (with variances in frequency of the letter 'O') across thousands of blogs and websites. We got in touch with a few of these individuals to get their thoughts:

Jane Summers, 20, posted under the alias Filmgirlz. She was vocal in her distaste for the director/producer noting that "he just cares about explosions and action rather than making good movies. I don't want him destroying my childhood memories like with Transformers 2." As for the content of her post, she chose to write a one-word comment because she "just couldn't think of any other way to express [her] disappointment."

Richard Wright, 17, posted under the name MichaelBayFaggot69. He claims to have "blacked-out completely from rage after reading the article." When he regained consciousness, the comment was already typed on the screen with seventeen letter o's. Wright's dislike for Bay bordered on unstable, promising "if I ever see that guy on the street, I will stab him in the neck."

   Clearly this outpouring of frustration is unlike anything we've seen in history. Now the question is how long will the new record stand? Articles related to Shia Labeouf are naturally the most likely competitor. Yet Shia's recent dismissal of casting rumors surrounding Y: The Last Man removes a potentially challenging threat.

Michael Bay was unavailable for comment on this article.

2 Casting female role for major motion picture - must have nice rack... literacy a plus

After Megan Fox was let go, rumors have been swirling as to who will star opposite Shia Labeouf in the new Transformers film. According to usanewsweek.com, the role of Mikaela Banes will now be played by lingerie model Rosie Huntington-Whiteley. Can Rosie compete with Megan's near-limitless acting range? Can she handle such a unique and interesting character? Just kidding. As long as she's fit enough to jog around half-naked while Michael Bay zooms in on various body parts she'll be fine. An ability to speak coherent English would be nice, but it's not a deal breaker. Still, I think it would have been entertaining to sit in on the casting sessions for this decision. Here's how it probably went down between Bay and Rosie:

BAY
I think your just perfect for the part.

ROSIE
Well, it's just I don't really have any acting experience.

BAY
(staring at her breasts)
Uh-huh.

ROSIE
But I realize this could be a huge career move for me.

BAY
You'll do fine. I believe you have certain talents.

ROSIE
Like what?

BAY
(unzipping his pants)
Let's find out.

2 Mock Script: The Incredible Hulk

This movie ended up being slightly better than the original. Which isn't saying much because The Hulk was so boring I would have preferred listening to NPR. As for Edward Norton's career, it's going downhill fast.
Mock Script. PDF Version.

5 What Hollywood doesn't understand about Superhero Movies

   Comic book movie adaptations are huge cash cows for the film industry. The release of a new superhero movie makes headlines over Angelina Jolie promising to adopt every child in Cambodia. These films already have a built-in fan base of comic book nerds willing to venture into the sunlight for the first time in years just to watch their favorite superhero on the big screen. And for the most part, people of all ages enjoy reliving a bit of their childhood watching larger than life heroes save the day. So the real question usually isn't whether a new adaptation will be profitable, but rather how much money it's going to make. 

   Seems pretty simple right? Well, not simple enough for the movie industry. There are two basic paths a studio can take here. The first is to hire a qualified writer who's actually written at least one good movie script in the past. Naturally, quality actors then want to sign on because the characters have some depth. Good directors become interested due to the quality of the story. In the end, all these factors help guarantee a successful film. Sequels follow shortly thereafter which garner absurd amounts of money and everyone ends up happy.

Here's a few examples:

--Warner Bros. signs Christopher Nolan (Memento) and David S. Goyer (Blade) for Batman Begins. Both writers have at least one good credit to their name, thus are clearly capable of writing a good film. The script turns out great. Christian Bale signs up and the movie ends up making $372 million worldwide. The Dark Knight goes on to make over $1 billion worldwide.

--Paramount Pictures hires Mark Fergus and Hawk Ostby (Children of Men) to write Iron Man. Two proven writers who manage to churn out a witty, fast-paced script. Downey Jr. signs on and the movie turns into a huge sleeper hit with $584 in box office receipts. Iron Man 2 has already made $524 million.

Sadly, this first option is rarely chosen. Most studio executives, possibly after shooting up heroin in a bathroom stall, instead decide to hire a screenwriter with god-awful film credits (or no experience whatsoever). Essentially, they hire someone who's never proven himself/herself capable of writing a quality full-length screenplay to head a project potentially worth billions of dollars.

There are many, many examples of this:

--John Turman is hired to write Hulk. He had absolutely no prior full length script-writing credits. The resulting film involved three-hours of Eric Bana standing around looking depressed in between ten minutes of nonsensical action scenes. Then, in an apparent attempt to one-up their own stupidity, the studio hired Zak Penn to write the sequel. Unlike John, Penn had some past experience... in writing terrible movies. X-Men 3, Elektra, and Fantastic Four were all his creation. Needless to say, neither Hulk movie was especially successful and the sequel barely surpassed the original.

--20th Century Fox hires James Robinson to pen The League of Extraordinary Gentleman. His past works can all be found in your local rental store at the bottom of the $2 movie bin. This comic book adaptation failed miserably and there's still no talk of a sequel.

--Alan McElroy is hired to write Spawn. Astonishingly, his previous best movie credit was Halloween 4. As usual, the film made almost no money and thus no sequel has been planned.

--20th Century Fox hires Mark Frost to write Fantastic Four. The movie reminds us Jessica Alba would probably be working in a strip club rather than as a professional actress if she were any less attractive. A sequel is made that manages to be less profitable than the original.

   So, when will these studios learn? Probably never. They still profit off every Superhero movie made because enough people are going to see them regardless of quality. The fact that they're missing out on millions of dollars in sequel money when a film like Spawn completely bombs is largely ignored. Just take at look at some of the upcoming Superhero films. Jonah Hex is written by Mark Neveldine, who also penned Crank 2: High Voltage. As for Thor, the geniuses at Paramount decided to hire a lead writer who's only movie credit is Agent Cody Banks. These films will most likely turn out awful and still turn a nice profit. Just think how much more they could make by actually producing decent flicks.

1 The new and not even remotely improved Lindsay

   According to People.com, Lindsay Lohan is going to miss out on another opportunity to star in a film. I didn't pay much attention as to why, but it naturally involves alcohol, court sentencing, and her unfathomable stupidity. What I did pay attention to was the fact that she might be unable to begin her new role in the upcoming film titled Lovelace. Lindsay was planning to star as Linda Lovelace, a porn star with serious drug problems. Another words, the role of herself in ten years. Now, we may actually go an entire year without having to watch Lindsay embarrass herself on the big screen. I always assumed her personal problems were just an annoyance; something I had to avoid reading in the headlines. Now I realize this could be the key to sinking her movie "career". And if you think I'm being too harsh in rooting for her demise, just go watch Labor Pains. Then come back and try to tell me she deserves better.

2 Celebrating what exactly?

In honor of Hollywood's new Cinematic Celebration of Jerry Bruckheimer, I've decided to do my own celebration... of his worst produced movies of all time.

Pearl Harbor - Part of Bruckheimer's ongoing love affair with Michael Bay films. Naturally, only Bay would consider it a good idea to set up an epic love triangle against the backdrop of one of the most infamous massacres in U.S. History.

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End - Set new record for number of jokes "about the rum being gone" used in a series (3,421).

Gone in Sixty Seconds - Named after the length of time it took to write the screenplay.

*Here are two movies likely to be added to this list soon...

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time - I had the slightest bit of hope for this one after seeing the trailer. Then I went on IMDB and looked up the screenwriters other credits: Dirty Dancing 2: Havanna Nights and From Dusk Till Dawn 2: Texas Blood Money. Just kill me now.

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides - It would be wrong to say there's been a slight drop-off in quality since the first film. It's more like a giant sink hole falling into the center of the earth. And I swear to god if there's one more reference to missing rum, I'm gonna start punching random people in the theater.

5 The slow and painful death of Star Wars

    When Star Wars came out in 1977 it shattered box office records, irrevocably altered the industry, and gave generations of nerds something to do while everyone else in high school was getting laid. George Lucas instantly received visionary genius status. While the second and third installments of the trilogy only further cemented his claim.

    Fast forward to 1999 and the expected release of Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace. Fanboy's all around the world had been collectively shitting their pants in excitement for weeks. Lucas was finally back after twenty-two years, at the helm of the greatest franchise ever. Then everyone saw the film and... it wasn't that great. Episode II turned out even worse. And finally, Episode III: Revenge of the Sith was single-handedly ruined by one man's performance (more on that later).

    So the question is, how did this happen? How could the prequel trilogy utterly fail to meet expectations? The answer's simple. George Lucas is a good director. But he's not a great writer nor is he a great judge of acting talent. People seem to forget Lucas only wrote Episode IV of the original trilogy. Episode V: Return of the Jedi (considered the best) was written by Leigh Brackett and Lawrence Kasdan. It was also directed by Irvin Kershner. Episode VI (my favorite) was written by Lawrence Kasdan and directed by Richard Marquand.

     Thus, clearly the success of the original trilogy hinged on a combination of Lucas's unique vision and solid writing (from outside sources). Too bad he remains completely unaware of this fact. Which is why he decided to write and direct Episodes I-III all by himself. The result? Fans were treated to a host of terrible dialogue sequences and uninteresting characters. Not to mention one especially retarded character:

    Even worse, Lucas made the most egregious casting mistake in history by hiring Hayden Christensen to play young Anakin Skywalker. Just think about this for a second. The man who went on to star in Jumper was chosen to portray one of the most iconic characters in film history. Was Lucas black-out drunk during auditions? Was he even there at all? We may never know. But we do know Christensen proceeded to butcher the role completely. Portraying the most feared being in the universe, Hayden decided to act like an eight-year old throwing a tantrum in Toys R Us during every scene. It was a stunning embarrassment. His performance was universally bashed by critics as thousands of fanboy's lit themselves on fire in protest.

   Alright, I made that last part up but they were definitely pissed off. As for the saga, we may very well have seen the last of Star Wars. Which is sad considering how poorly the newest trilogy turned out. If Lucas ever decides to make another, I pray to god he leaves elements such as writing and casting in more capable hands. Only then might we be treated to another masterpiece. Or three more if we're lucky.

2 The shocking plot to J.J. Abram's new movie revealed!

   Turns out the upcoming film based on Matell's Magic 8 Ball product is arriving sooner than expected. New reports* suggest J.J. Abrams top-secret project Super 8 features a giant Magic 8 Ball terrorizing the city of New York. No information is given as to where this "creature" came from. Or why it's rolling around killing innocent civilians. What is known is that the film takes place through the eyes of a group of teenagers living in the city. Caught in the midst of the attack, they must work together to escape before it's too late. Unnecessary, violently-shaking first-person camera perspectives will be used throughout. See the trailer here.

*I base this on absolutely nothing.

2 The truth about Bay

    Mention the name Michael Bay to someone and you're likely to hear something along the lines of "he sucks" or "what a terrible director." A few might start screaming at the top of their lungs and ripping their hair out. Obviously, there's not a lot of love for the man. But I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say he's not actually a horrendous filmmaker. He has passable directing skills. The real problem is he's a complete moron when it comes to understanding the most basic foundation of a movie. Yes, I'm talking about the script. Here's a reenactment of Bay's very first day on a movie set:

Bay
A script? Is that some kind of special effect?

Intern
Uh... no it's written dialogue.

Bay
You mean like between explosions?

    In all seriousness though, this is his biggest flaw. It's the reason Transformers 2 was a complete disaster. It's why the movie Pearl Harbor was more horrific than the actual event it depicted.  These movies did not fail because Bay is an incapable director. They failed because the scripts were mind-numbingly bad. And he was too stupid to notice or care. Just look at Michael Bay's only decent film, The Rock. The script was very solid. It had memorable characters with a little depth to them. More importantly, some of the tension was built through these character interactions, rather than just mindless violence.

    In the end, Bay's directing didn't completely ruin the film. Which I think in itself, prove he's capable of producing decent (or at least enjoyable) films. But this will only happen once he realizes the number of explosions in a script doesn't correlate to it's quality. Until then, expect a lot more of Shia running around screaming while random things set on fire in Transformers 3.

1 Movie review: Clash of the Titans (2010)

It’s hard to pinpoint exactly when I gave up any hope of enjoying this film. Possibly it was the moment I saw Liam Neeson dressed in tin-foil armor. Or maybe it was the image of Sam Worthington riding a giant CGI scorpion through the desert. Regardless, by the halfway mark I was already considering using my popcorn bag as a suffocation device.

Contrary to its title, Clash of the Titans doesn’t actually feature a single Titan. The story instead revolves around the struggle between mankind and the gods. And by story, I mean the two minutes of forced dialogue between each fight scene. Zeus (played by Neeson) has declared all-out war on those who once worshiped him. Outmatched and outgunned, the humans are desperate for help. Along comes lowly fisherman/demi-god Perseus (Sam Worthington). Once content to live out his days catching trout, Perseus joins the cause in order to avenge his parent’s death.

It goes without saying this film is light on realism. Not to mention character development is nonexistent. But what it lacks in substance, it makes up for with poorly rendered CGI graphics and dull action sequences. Considering the whole movie is basically a series of strung-together battles, you’d think they’d actually be exciting. Sadly, Director Louis Leterrier can’t seem to decide whether he’s making a campy popcorn thriller or a serious film. He begins by setting up a grim, realistic tone. But then shatters it minutes later with absurd, special effects driven action scenes. The end result is a lot of unintentional comedy.

The actors don’t seem to be in on the joke either. Ralph Fiennes channels the voice of a ninety-year old chain smoker for the role of Hades. Worthington tries, and fails, to overcome terrible dialogue by scowling in every scene. Although he deserves some praise for managing to utter lines such as “I mend nets, not wield a sword” without bursting out laughing. And Liam Neeson manages to ignore the fact that he’s dressed in glistening sequins. They may all be confused what type of movie they’re in, but I’m not. It’s the type that fails in the box office.

Rating: BAD

4 Shia strikes again

Saw the trailer for Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps again yesterday. Every time I watch it my hatred for Shia Labeouf increases ten fold. First he takes part in raping the Indiana Jones legacy. Now he's going after another classic. Can someone please do something about this? Please, for the love of god.

I'm gonna have to put most of the blame on Oliver Stone here. Apparently between watching Labeouf scream at CGI robots and swing through the jungle with CGI monkeys, Stone decided "This is my man!" This is the kind of talent that will carry my picture.

It's also possible Shia's casting is the product of a weak script no real actors wanted a part of (with Douglas agreeing only for nostalgia's sake). Alan Loeb and Stephen Shiff wrote the screenplay. Alan most recently penned the script for 21, the god-awful thriller about Vegas card counters. Not exactly a good sign. Regardless, I pray this is the last time Labeouf tries "acting" in a serious role.

3 Mock Script - National Treasure: Book of Secrets

The worst part about writing this script was having to watch the movie again. I'd seen it two years ago but couldn't remember a single thing that happened. Apparently it was so terrible I repressed all memories of it's existence. Like when a small child goes into shock after seeing his parents brutally murdered. Only worse.
Mock Script. PDF Version.

2 Keys to a good Superhero movie

***If your like me, accidentally reading spoilers sends you into a homicidal rage. Don't read this if you haven't seen Iron Man 2. Unless you don't care and/or don't have anger issues.

After watching the sequel, I came home with two things to ponder. The first being how this over the top and often completely ridiculous film was ultimately so entertaining. The second was how Scarlett Johansson’s breasts could possibly have fit into all those outfits. I now have an answer to the first question. The second one remains a puzzle mankind will likely never solve.

2 A faint stench of failure

New York magazine put up an article claiming Columbia Pictures may shoot Ghost Rider 2 without Nicolas Cage. The studio has to rush production in order to keep the rights to the franchise. This will be in stark contrast to the first film, where a great deal of time and effort was vested. That's sarcasm by the way.

Apparently, Cage now has to decided whether to star in Ghost Rider 2 or National Treasure 3 this fall. That's like choosing between castration and prison rape. Disney will probably offer him twice as much money so I'm guessing we won't be seeing Cage's head turn into a flaming skull ever again.

3 Could the real M. Shyamalan please stand up?

It's been awhile since a director fell from grace quite as painfully as M. Night Shyamalan has. After back-to-back break out hits (Unbreakable, Sixth Sense), he seemed untouchable. Then Lady in the Water flopped. Then Mark Walhberg talked to fake plants in The Happening, effectively destroying both their careers. Now M. Night is stuck directing the 3-D action adventure flick The Last Airbender. Ouch. You gotta wonder how this happened. The guy's clearly talented. Just read his scripts for Sixth Sense and Unbreakable. There both extremely well done. So how did a skilled writer/director end up doing a movie adapted from some animated television series?

The first possibility is that M. Night stopped caring entirely about making good films. Money became his sole interest. Another words, he turned into the Nic Cage of movie directors. I'm skeptical of this scenario because his recent failures have actually cost him money. Studios refuse to pay anywhere near top dollar for him now. Plus, the guy only makes a film every two years. If he really cared that much about the money, he'd churn out three crap movies a year.

The second, and more likely scenario is that Shyamalan's lost the ability to judge his own work critically. Think about it, this guy essentially became famous overnight. One minute he's a nobody, and the next everyone's gushing about his talent/brilliance. Most likely he also went from never getting laid to having attractive women groping him in public. Before long, he's convinced every one of his ideas is going to make Thomas Edison look like a retard. One day, M. Night starts thinking about plants shooting nuerotoxins into the air and causing people to run into oncoming traffic. Good idea? Hell yeah, he says, cuz I'm a fucking genius. And geniuses don't need to spend more than ten minutes writing a script. See where I'm going with this?

It was almost inevitable he'd end up being chewed up and spit out by Hollywood. Hopefully, getting thrown into the gutter will be the best thing that ever happened to him. Maybe now he goes back to his roots. Starts putting real time and effort into writing again. Maybe we haven't seen the last of the real M. Night Shyamalan. But that's probably just wishful thinking.

1 Movie review: Pandorum

Set in the near future, two passenger ship crew members awaken from hyper-sleep to find the vessel deserted. Or so they thought. Before long a fight for survival ensues against a race of man-eating monstrosities. Basically, the good old "people trapped somewhere with killer monsters/aliens" formula. If you've seen Pitch Black, The Descent, or anything resembling those, you already know the plot.

Originality aside, the real question is does it offer up some good scares? The answer is no. For starters, Director Christian Alvert clearly lacks the skills and patience to create genuine suspense. He follows the same formula as ninety-nine percent of today's horror directors. Within ten minutes, the camera starts shaking violently and unnecessary rapid-cutting begins. Either the camera man was having seizures or the director snorted a mountain of cocaine before each shoot. Regardless, Alvert clearly fails to understand it's what the audience doesn't see that's truly scary. That nail-biting anticipation of something bad just around the corner.

To make matters worse, the creatures themselves don't look very frightening. A major oversight considering we see them repeatedly throughout the movie. Imagine Cate Blanchett and Papa Smurf birthed a small army of deformed love-children. That's basically what's hunting down the crew.

Luckily, there is one terrifying element to this film. The acting. Particularly that of Dennis Quaid as Lieutenant Payton. Literally the entire film Quaid sits in the main control room drinking coffee and looking extremely irritated. Meanwhile, the rest of the crew battles tooth-and-nail through the bowels of the ship while being hunted down by merciless cannibals.

Every once in a while Quaid will yell over the intercom something like "Do you copy?" or "Hang in there." Then he goes and makes another cup of coffee. In a movie about disgruntled Starbucks employees, his performance would have been perfect. Sadly, it doesn't quite work here. Most likely Quaid read the script and realized he wouldn't have to move from his chair or shave throughout filming. It was just too much to resist. Personally, I couldn't resist a general feeling of nausea being forced to watch this abomination.

Rating: BAD

1 Hollywood, you've really outdone yourself

Picture this. A group of high-level Hollywood executives are sitting around a table deciding their next film to green light. The economy's in shambles. The studios last few productions flopped. Many jobs hang in the balance here. This next film must be successful. They have to find something with depth, a transcendent story with many intertwining elements, vibrant characters, and pitch-perfect dialogue. After seven hours of intense debate a decision is made. What did they come up with? A movie about killer prehistoric piranhas.

Watch ridiculous looking CGI piranhas attack scantily clad college kids in the new trailer for Piranha 3-D

3 The Good, the Bad, and the Nicolas Cage

In honor of National Treasure 3, I've listed my top five picks for worst Nicolas Cage film of all time. For years now Cage has whored himself out to every major studio. No matter how ridiculous or poorly-written a screenplay is, he will agree to a contract as long as he gets paid. It's essentially prostitution. Actually, it's worse. At least real prostitutes commit their grievous acts secretly in some dark alleyway. With Cage, millions are forced to watch in disgust/fascination as he embarrasses himself on a giant movie screen. Anyways... here's my top five.

1. The Wicker Man - He runs around foaming at the mouth and punching elderly women in the face.

2. Ghost Rider - Cage squints into the camera for two hours... then his head turns into a flaming skull.

3. National Treasure 2 - If you hated the first one, you'll probably commit suicide watching this.

4. Next - Ironically, if he could see the future in real life he'd never have agreed to make this film in the first place.

5. National Treasure - Nicolas Cage in a race against time to unravel the clues and discover why his acting career failed.

0 Digging up some potential

Just finished reading the script for Buried. Definitely has a lot of potential. Managed to keep up near-constant suspense while still developing a unique and interesting main character... doubly impressive considering the whole thing takes place inside a coffin. Apparently this was a favorite at Sundance and is going on wide release October 8th. My only concern is with Ryan Reynolds as the lead. In fact it terrifies me. Which gives me a better idea for a movie... a man is trapped inside a theater playing all of Ryan's non-comedic acting roles back to back. Now that's terrifying.

You can download the script here.

0 Another Horror(ible) Reboot

Just read the script for the reboot of A Nightmare on Elm Street and it was surprisingly awful. Who could have guessed Hollywood would fail to re-capture the suspense and originality of a thirty-year old film? How could tacking on cheap scares without adding anything new or interesting not be a recipe for success? How am I this sarcastic? Here's a link to the script if your interested.

0 Mock Screenplay: Wicker Man

Here is my script for The Wicker Man. Nicolas Cage is no stranger to bad films but I consider this one to be the biggest failure of his "career". It's undeniable proof he would agree to work with a screenplay written in crayon by some five-year old handicapped kid as long as the pay was good.
Mock Script. PDF version.